Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Oil and Water, Yin and Yang


Wordsworth was right: the world is too much with us—at least, it is for me. I am constantly amazed at how we humans can possibly find our way through the endless labyrinth/rat's maze/ant farm/quicksand bog/lion's den of life. That we do it, and that very few people either think about or realize it, only adds to my amazement.

Once again using myself as an example only because I can't presume to use you—though I would be most curious to know how much of me you can find in yourself.

I have always found myself to be a classic study in managed dysfunction. Nearly every facet of my life is a counterbalance. What part of me is not water is oil. On the one hand, for example, I am harshly, unrelentingly self-critical, absolutely convinced of my total ineptitude and my inferiority on just about every level; yet at the same time I am incredibly, unrealistically egotistical in assuming myself superior to a large segment of the human race. I think of myself as kind and caring, yet I frequently lash out (often disproportionately so) when I feel I've been crossed.

I hate imposing myself on others, yet I am constantly asking/expecting friends to do for me things which I could undoubtedly do myself were I not so damned lazy. My philosophy of “if at first you don't succeed, give up” is not conducive to growth and advancement.

I am a confirmed Agnostic (I always capitalize “Agnostic,” thereby giving it the status of an organized religion) who would really like to believe in a God with two arms and two legs and a long white beard, and in angels and heaven, yet I simply cannot. And yet an agnostic is, by definition, a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

I could never be a door-to-door salesman or, were I not an Agnostic, a Mormon or a Jehovah's Witness. I've worked in retail stores in the past without problem. I can sell things, as long it is you who approaches me wanting to buy something. For me to approach you and ask you to buy something from me would be excruciatingly embarrassing. And yet I spend an inordinate amount of time on social media trying to sell you on reading my books! I justify that dichotomy by thinking of myself as a third-person proselytizer, really fairly good at convincing others to do something without direct face-to-face contact.

I give excellent advice, yet am very poor at taking it. I can see your problems far more clearly than I can see my own.

I live in the world of reality, yet reject or ignore it whenever possible.

I am a homosexual in a heterosexual world. I don't want to fit in with it, and yet feel hurt when I'm rejected for being “different.”

I have a young heart and mind, but live in an ever-older and weaker body.

That I have used the word “I” thirty-two times thus far in this blog speaks clearly to my conflict between feelings of inferiority and superiority.

My life is—as I am sure is yours—indeed, a balance of an infinite number of things in different degrees which fluctuate from moment to moment, like a very fluid yin of oil and yang of water which, no matter how much they are shaken, always return to being oil and water, yin and yang.

Heavy stuff, huh?

Dorien's blogs are posted by 10 a.m. Central time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Please take a moment to visit his website (http://www.doriengrey.com) and, if you enjoy these blogs, you might want to check out Short Circuits: a Life in Blogs (http://bit.ly/m8CSO1).


7 comments:

Vastine Bondurant said...

I am laughing so hard at your comment about being a good salesman if the other person approaches you and you do not have to approach them. I am exactly the same way. Love it!

And I have to admit I admire your honesty in admitting that you do not want to fit in with the hetero world yet you resent being thought of as 'different'. Ah. You are the only fix for that, my friend. I don't suppose I feel like I live in ANYBODY'S world but my own...hetero nor anything else. I am just me. So join me in my odd little world, Dorien, and you will not feel 'different', trust me. LOL.

Love, love your thoughts. Boiled down, you are...just a human, only one who is able to express what being human IS better than most.

**Hugs**

Dorien/Roger said...

Thank you, Vastine...that was very nice of you to say. And you're right about just living in your own world and not caring about anyone else's.

Kage Alan said...

I believe I've said this before (probably in e-mail), but I'll say it again. You would make a brilliantly fun character to write in a story, D. I may just have to...

Dorien/Roger said...

I would be flattered beyond words, Kage!

D

foxblinde said...

I'm actually rather amazed about how similar we are. Especially considering my current situation.

I found this blog because I was partnered with someone who I love but can't seem to be with without destroying or hurting him. I'm constantly drifting in and out of balance. Additionally, he has Aspergers Syndrome and is as constant as a rock yet my outlook changes and shifts like a tide and I feel like I'm wearing him away. I came to the conclusion that our relationship was either like oil and water so different they must always remain separate or like yin and yang where they essentially are necessary for each other. Do we part ways for our own protection or do we get married and just accept that were bound?

I thought the oil and water/yin and yang was an astute comparison and I googled it to see if anyone else had thought of it before and sure enough here I see you made a post 5 months earlier. And I read it and see that we are essentially the same person. Capable of anything but for some reason so restless and unable to commit to a path until its end. What's to become of people like us? Is it better we just watch safely as observers and figure out the patterns and hope we'll find the answer? Or do we try to be part of the world that we fear so much and spend our lives feeling like were only pretending? Are we just lost or is this just who we are as a natural state?
How do we cope with an all consuming loneliness when we are no good at integrating into the world?

Sorry if any of this is unnerving or depresses you, I just get a bit of comfort knowing there are other people out there like me asking these questions. Maybe one of us will find an answer?

foxblinde said...

I'm actually rather amazed about how similar we are. Especially considering my current situation.

I found this blog because I was partnered with someone who I love but can't seem to be with without destroying or hurting him. I'm constantly drifting in and out of balance. Additionally, he has Aspergers Syndrome and is as constant as a rock yet my outlook changes and shifts like a tide and I feel like I'm wearing him away. I came to the conclusion that our relationship was either like oil and water so different they must always remain separate or like yin and yang where they essentially are necessary for each other. Do we part ways for our own protection or do we get married and just accept that were bound?

I thought the oil and water/yin and yang was an astute comparison and I googled it to see if anyone else had thought of it before and sure enough here I see you made a post 5 months earlier. And I read it and see that we are essentially the same person. Capable of anything but for some reason so restless and unable to commit to a path until it's final conclusion. What's to become of people like us? Is it better we just watch safely as observers and figure out the patterns and hope we'll find the answer? Or do we try to be part of the world that we fear so much and spend our lives feeling like were only pretending? Are we just lost or is this just who we are as a natural state?
How do we cope with an all consuming loneliness when we are no good at integrating into the world?

Sorry if any of this is unnerving or depresses you, I just get a bit of comfort knowing there are other people out there like me asking these questions. Maybe one of us will find an answer?

Dorien/Roger said...

Foxblinde, I tried to find you on Facebook and couldn't. You raise some very interesting points and I'd be happy to discuss them further with you. You can contact me at doriengrey@gmail.com should you care to.

Thanks for taking the time to write.

Dorien