It's been some time since I've addressed the subject of internet spam in one of these blogs, hoping that if I ignored it, it would just go away. But since it hasn't, I've decided to get on the bandwagon and actively promote it as a source of fortune if not fame. Here is the draft of an advertisement I'm preparing to pitch the book I'm writing on the subject:
Why bother with a 9-5 job when a career in internet Spam awaits? Untold wealth is as close as a computer keyboard for anyone willing to abrogate their humanity in favor of money. Logic, morals, compassion, honor, dignity, all are merely bothersome potholes in the road to a successful career in Spamming.
I've prepared a few brief guidelines to help achieve the goal of instant financial independence.
No need for a degree in higher education--or any education at all, for that matter. One of the primary advantages of using spamming as your route to fortune is that you never need to concern yourself with spelling, grammar, or punctuation.
All the examples quoted below were taken, verbatim, from the last 24 hours' worth of messages awaiting my urgent attention in my Spam bin.
Ok. Ready? Pay attention, now!
1. Always remember that the opening words of your message are crucial to your success. Give them infinite care in creating the impact you wish to make.
"CONTACT MONEYGRAM REMITANCE OFFICE IMMEDIATELY FOR YOUR PAYMENT."
2. As shown above, capital letters are guaranteed attention grabbers. That the words they form make absolutely no sense is beside the point:
"INTERNATIONAL POLICE ASSOCIATION UNITED STATE"
3. Choose an exotic-sounding identity and associate yourself with an an organization whose title conveys an image of power and prestige. The organization itself need not exist:
"Mr. Olusegun Olutoyin Ag, United Nations Assisted Program Directorate of International Payment United Nations."
4. Combining points 1 and 2 above compounds the effect:
"roberts.muelleriii: OFFICIAL PAYMENT VERIFICATION FROM THE FBI -ANTI--TERRORIST AND MONITORY CRIMES DIVISION FBI"
4. Sincerity, warmth and caring immediately gain the prospective client's trust:
"Hello dear. My name is Favour Benson. i have a tender, loving and kind heart and I saw your mail..."
5. Emotion is a powerful tool in gaining trust and eliciting the desired response:
"Good day. My name is Mrs Annabel Laura, i am going in for cancer surgery today. Contact my lawyer. Tell him..."
6. A hint of of mystery is always an effective lure:
"stephine dion - hello - my dear friend kindly send an email to email address which here firstname.lastname@example.org"
7. Of all the approaches to gain attention, money is the most direct and effective:
"Please be informed that you have $250000.00 Lodged in our Western Union to transfer to you as..."
"BBC FINANCE DEPARTME - Dear Winner, We want to inform you that your funds of L18000000.00 (Eighteen million Pounds..."
8. Always anticipate a certain degree of skepticism, and hasten to reassure the prospective client that you understand and appreciate it:
Mrs. Rose Marry - PLS: I NEED YOUR REPLY - Dear friend, I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics, which....
If you are truly interested in exploring a lucrative career in Spam, please send $79.99 cash or money order only for my international-best-selling ten-page pamphlet titled "Hello, Sucker."
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