Friday, February 26, 2010

Spam & Eternity 2

I'm really not sure which will last longer, internet spam or eternity. Right now, I'm betting on the spam.

Why do I let things upset me so? Why do I teeter dangerously close to the brink of uncontrollable rage over the incomprehensible greed, stupidity, bigotry, and utter disregard for the feelings of others that so many possessors of human DNA display (human DNA does not a human being make) with callous abandon?

Anyone who has read more than a dozen of my blogs knows how I feel about those loathsome sub humans who prey the astoundingly gullible through the mounds of excrement shoveled into our computer spam bin each day. And yet, try though I might to just ignore them, I cannot resist looking at the opening words, so here yet again, to my shame, is another Whitman's Sampler of egregious in-box spam, exactly as received, and my reactions to them.

"I remember what you have large, I liked to you! Hi - do you remember how we made love in your car? Mmm like it was....." (I can think of no stronger case to be made in favor of euthanasia.)

"I like you? Remember that night in the hotel? My darling - write me - I'm waiting for a long time already, soon, my...." (Aside from my memory being fried by the above, if you're a guy, no, I don't remember, and if you're a girl, stand back from my projectile vomiting.)

WorkAtHome: "$195 a Day and Up Working From Home - $195 a Day and Up Working From Home $195 a Day and Up Working From ....." (Yeah, but what I really want to know is how much I can make a day working from home?)

"You'll for sure will be more manly." (Yep, I'll for sure will be! And I'll bet you put exactly the same amount of care and careful research into whatever you're peddling.)

"Find 6 new flirts at Zoosk - Find 6 new flirts at Zoosk. This is an ADVERTISEMENT..." (No shit, Dick Tracy! Thanks for the heads up! What's a "flirt"? What's a "Zoosk"? ....Oh, never mind.)

"I have a list of 150k criminal lawyers in the U.S." (I'm sure you do. And as a spammer I hope you will need the services of every one of them.)

"Set love energy to max - Best for your carnal omnipotence." (Oooooooh..."carnal omnipotence"! Boy, am I impressed. You can use words of more than one syllable! Say no more! Send me whatever it is you're peddling!)

Rev. Joel Martins - "YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS - CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA TINUBU SQUARE, VICTORIA ISLAND,...." (Wow! What wonderful news! I admit I was a little skeptical at first, but when I saw you are a Rev., I figured, would a man of the cloth lie? I didn't know I had any over due--making "overdue" two words and putting everything in caps shows you are creative and a man to be trusted--inheritance funds. But then, I have so many rich relatives living in and around Tinubu Square in downtown Nigeria it's hard to remember who's alive and who's not.)

"Your girl taken to hospital - Want giant instead of weenie..." (Why, thank you for telling me. I was shocked! But then I always rely on total strangers to tell me a loved one has been hospitalized...otherwise, how would I possibly have known? So apparently she--whoever she might be--was trying to supersize an order at a fast food hotdog stand, and.....?)

"You can Apply Today for a Federal Grant -- Grant Money Online...." (Of course I can! And let me'll be more than happy to "help" me for a teensy-tinesy fee. And of course, applying for a loan and getting one are two completely different things. But first things first: let me send you some money to get the ball rolling.)

Who needs ipecac ("the dried rhizome of a South American shrub, or a drug prepared from this, used as an emetic and expectorant") when we've got spam?

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