"Alas, Poor English,....."

The English language is under concerted assault from all sides. It's bad enough that it is rapidly becoming a second language in America (behind Spanish), but even those for whom it is supposedly a first and only language, English is being eroded.

"So I axed him a question...."

The most egregious example of the atrocities committed against the language can be found in something I read recently (and may already have reported in a previous blog)....the mother explaining how to pronounce the name of her daughter, Le-a: "Ledasha". "The dash don't be silent," the mother explained.

To commit verbal assaults on the language is one thing; to carry them over to the printed word is another. The other day I went to one of the flagship stores of a large Chicago grocery chain. They were, to their great credit, actively soliciting funds for a worthy cause. Outside the store, there was a table with a large hand-written banner saying: "Support Prostate Cancer!" When I called the attention of the man behind the table to it, he looked at me blankly. "We do this every year," he said in a classic example of the non-sequitor.

"You support prostate cancer?" I asked.

"Yes," he said proudly.

"Don't you mean, you support the fight against prostate cancer? Or you promote prostate cancer research?"

Again the totally blank stare. "I don't make the signs," he said.

I walked away.

A large L.A. gas station has a huge, permanent sign proclaiming "Your Only a Stranger Here Once."

A bakery offers "Bacon Powder Biscuits."

English is a tricky enough language as it is. Advertisers have long made use of its flexibility to deceive and manipulate prospective customers.

And of course, I have always been intrigued by the many ads on TV saying "Emerging science suggests that Blab-X may help reduce the signs..." Removing the qualifiers--"emerging" "suggests" "may" "help" "reduce" "signs"--leaves you with a sentence which says absolutely nothing about what the product actually does.

Bureaucracies and bureaucrats have a knack for pomposity, in hopes of impressing the common folk of their exalted status. Whenever I hear a policeman on TV say "the suspect exited the vehicle" I want to grab him by the neck (not a practical option in reality) and scream "No, you idiot! He got out of the bleeping car!!!"

When are people going to come to their senses and let me rule the world? I tell you, I'd do a lot better job than some of these dolts running our lives. And I'd start by making it mandatory that everyone residing in the United States of America speak understandable English or be denied the right to vote, to drive, or to reproduce.

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