Taking a cue from Gilbert and Sullivan, I’ve made a little list of people to be dealt with when I become Emperor.
First, of course, are the hate-mongers. I realize that this will eliminate a number of the world’s political leaders and will definitely decimate the world’s televangelists and a huge number of devoted churchgoers. but so be it. Hate is a contagious disease and should be treated as such. I will lock each of these people in a very small room where their basic needs will be provided, but absolutely forbid them from having contact with anyone. I will, of course, provide each of their rooms with a large mirror so they can still feel close to the only person they care about.
A large number of my second group can also be found in the first: the proselytizers…those people who are as unwilling to consider anything other than their own views as they are insistent on foisting those views on you. I do not suffer gladly their knocking on my door or buttonholing me on the street or calling me on the phone. Those who cannot accept the rights of others to have their own opinions and beliefs deserve a special place in Purgatory. But one of my small rooms will suffice until someone with a higher authority is able to pass judgement.
Next are the bullies: those people who feel they have every right to be as loud, obnoxious, insulting, and contrary as they want to be. My very first act as emperor would be the strict enforcement of the Golden Rule, and those who did not observe it would be removed to a little room until they did.
Those who cannot speak a full sentence of dictionary-recognized English words without the use of profanity will have their mouths taped shut, the tape removed only long enough to permit eating. Should they utter profanity during that period, the tape will be immediately replaced until the next meal. This of course will be devastating to the “popular” music industry, but who cares.
People who wear baseball caps at a “cute” angle will be forbidden to wear them and heavily fined if they do..
Then come those who for reasons I have yet to even come close to comprehending, are famous not for doing good deeds or improving the human condition in any way, shape, or form, but merely for being famous. As for the people who make them famous and follow their every meaningless peccadillo as though it really, truly meant anything at all, I have not yet come up with a punishment for them. I find them a bit pathetic, and think the fact that they don’t seem to believe their own lives have any value or interest might be punishment enough.
The originators and purveyors of internet spam will not only be locked away but absolutely forbidden to ever touch a computer for the rest of their lives. And the only reading matter they will be allowed will be the same spam they and others like them have produced.
The blatantly hypocritical who think no one recognizes their hypocracy will be put on a bus and driven over a cliff. Every company with a telephone recording saying “Your call is very important to us...” will immediately be shut down. The “Nigerian barristers” who prey upon the stupifyingly naive will simply be rounded up and shot.
Anyone who deliberately kills or causes needless physical pain to another human being will be dealt with summarily by experiencing exactly the same pain and to the same degree. This will in time free a vast number of prisons for conversion to my “little rooms”.
Those who laugh at the misfortunes or physical or mental limitations of others will be forced to undergo the same misfortunes, to see how it might affect their sense of humor.
My mind is beginning to boggle as I think of all those who deserve to be on my list. All the petty, the cruel, the deliberately thoughtless, the intolerant…there is no way they can all be listed in one short blog.
I am thinking of starting a petition to have me indeed made Emperor so that I might implement the changes listed above. Can I count on your signature?
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